goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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