DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
