Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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