Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
