i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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