I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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