Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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