I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
