Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
