why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
