I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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