Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
