I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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