you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize