come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
