walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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