I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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