So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize