after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
