please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
