Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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