Someone shit on the floor
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
