how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
