Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize