I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
