Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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