Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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