You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
