don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
