I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
