I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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