So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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