i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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