so that wasnt chicken after all
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
