I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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