What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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