I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
