Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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