So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
