Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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