Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
