Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
