i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
