Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
