ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
