She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
