just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I need water and some morals
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
