If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
