you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
