I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
