I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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