Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
