I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I came so hard my ears popped.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
