The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
