Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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