OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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