i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
