my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
