I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
