Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
